Love You, Mean It.

I can't even begin to pick discussion questions to talk about when I talk about this book.

It was inspiring, refreshing and poignant. It had you laughing, it had you crying.

The bond and the tales of love, life and loss that these girls shared is in one word, amazing.

I found myself reading the book and reading their individual chapters with a new set of lenses. I tried to picture myself in their shoes. In each of their shoes.

It is not as hard as one might think to relate and understand a person who is dealing with such loss.

When I read about Ann, having three children plus a career to deal with, I was instantly overwhelmed walking in her shoes. How in the world could she make herself get out of bed every day? But the more I read and the more I thought about it, it's because she did not have a choice. She couldn't just neglect her children, she couldn't just stay in bed and wish it all would change. For their sake she had to cope and heal almost more quickly than the rest of the women because she had to be a parent.

While I say the above though I did read the question about if it's harder to have had children or not, and I think they are both equally sad. Yes I think Ann had more responsibility on her plate and reasons that she couldn't just let it all go and the other women had only themselves to be responsible for. That's a huge difference. But every day Ann can look in her children's faces and see a piece of her husband and still have a reason to have a bond with her in-laws and extended family. The other women don't get that. They don't have any person they can hold on to and say that you are shared between your father and I. They don't get a mini-mirror to look in and see the face of their husbands.

When I read about Pattie and Caz going to the marathon and cheering on runners, I was there in her shoes. I've been to countless marathons and watched and cheered those runners on at the top of my lungs. It is such an adrenaline filled place. I imagined her and her husband there hand in hand.

Julia had an especially hard time coping and moving forward. But it is more than understandable. This is a crisis and personal disaster that no one is ever prepared for. I was sad for her as she struggled inside her own body and mind trying to cope and make sense of what life had become.

Claudia is perhaps the one I initially "clicked" with the best. It was her demeanor and the way she loved life, yet was so distraught and in so much denial about the loss of Bart. It is about the way that she grasped life by the horns amidst the tragedy and allowed it to make her a better person instead of wallowing. That represented so much strength to me.

I've recommended this book over and over. The stories and emotional tales and heart aches are beautiful and help give us a new perspective.

I have said before that I am thankful for the gift of time I have with my mom. It is a constant reminder to say what I want/need to say and do the things I want to do while I have the chance, so that I do not live regretting never having the opportunity. But the book makes me want to do that in all circumstances and relationships. Take charge of the moment and be real about how I feel. Telling those I love them, I'm sorry, Goodbye, I miss you.

Never for one second wondering if they know how I feel about them.

Q: As the days and weeks pass since the reading of this book, is there something that sticks with you about the story of Claudia, Pattie, Julia, Ann?

Their story has been on my mind long after I closed the cover in completion of the book. Two things that I keep thinking about:

1. How these 4 women formed an incredible bond of friendship based on ONE thing in common at first: the tragic loss of their husbands on 9/11. They didn't have kids in one playgroup, weren't college buddies, neighbors, church family. It was all because they shared the tragic deaths of their spouses. Yet, their friendships were rock solid and they became a tight group that could cling to each other like no other unit could. This gives me the desire to cement my own girlfriend relationships with depth, love, being there when the going is tough. Crying, laughing, mourning, celebrating, eating out, talking/not talking...it's all part of the bigger plan. Life is for the living. You have choices to make and the best choice is to acknowlege great loss, grieve in your own way for as long as it takes you and then try, with the supprt of others, to move forward and on to life again. It may be a different life, one still very much worth living.



2.How haunting it is not to get to say 'Good-bye.' Each woman replayed the morning they spent before their husbands left for work that fateful day. They probably replayed it daily for a long, long time. And wished for time to be stopped so they could have prevented their husband going out the door. Yet, time cannot be stopped and the day unfolded never to be taken back. How totally haunting for these women. How do you get over it and on with life?

Just yesterday, I found out my estranged brother had died. I never got to say 'Good-bye' and will never talk to him again. I am haunted with thoughts of reconcilliation, explanation, and could this have been prevented? Could I have gone back in time to erase some of the hurts?
Now, I will have to deal with the present from a painful past. I think of Julia, Ann, Claudia and Pattie with more empathy now. And realize we must passionately love our husbands, children, siblings, parents, friends and neighbors right here, right now as if we could finish our "business" with no regrets.