Love You, Mean It.

I can't even begin to pick discussion questions to talk about when I talk about this book.

It was inspiring, refreshing and poignant. It had you laughing, it had you crying.

The bond and the tales of love, life and loss that these girls shared is in one word, amazing.

I found myself reading the book and reading their individual chapters with a new set of lenses. I tried to picture myself in their shoes. In each of their shoes.

It is not as hard as one might think to relate and understand a person who is dealing with such loss.

When I read about Ann, having three children plus a career to deal with, I was instantly overwhelmed walking in her shoes. How in the world could she make herself get out of bed every day? But the more I read and the more I thought about it, it's because she did not have a choice. She couldn't just neglect her children, she couldn't just stay in bed and wish it all would change. For their sake she had to cope and heal almost more quickly than the rest of the women because she had to be a parent.

While I say the above though I did read the question about if it's harder to have had children or not, and I think they are both equally sad. Yes I think Ann had more responsibility on her plate and reasons that she couldn't just let it all go and the other women had only themselves to be responsible for. That's a huge difference. But every day Ann can look in her children's faces and see a piece of her husband and still have a reason to have a bond with her in-laws and extended family. The other women don't get that. They don't have any person they can hold on to and say that you are shared between your father and I. They don't get a mini-mirror to look in and see the face of their husbands.

When I read about Pattie and Caz going to the marathon and cheering on runners, I was there in her shoes. I've been to countless marathons and watched and cheered those runners on at the top of my lungs. It is such an adrenaline filled place. I imagined her and her husband there hand in hand.

Julia had an especially hard time coping and moving forward. But it is more than understandable. This is a crisis and personal disaster that no one is ever prepared for. I was sad for her as she struggled inside her own body and mind trying to cope and make sense of what life had become.

Claudia is perhaps the one I initially "clicked" with the best. It was her demeanor and the way she loved life, yet was so distraught and in so much denial about the loss of Bart. It is about the way that she grasped life by the horns amidst the tragedy and allowed it to make her a better person instead of wallowing. That represented so much strength to me.

I've recommended this book over and over. The stories and emotional tales and heart aches are beautiful and help give us a new perspective.

I have said before that I am thankful for the gift of time I have with my mom. It is a constant reminder to say what I want/need to say and do the things I want to do while I have the chance, so that I do not live regretting never having the opportunity. But the book makes me want to do that in all circumstances and relationships. Take charge of the moment and be real about how I feel. Telling those I love them, I'm sorry, Goodbye, I miss you.

Never for one second wondering if they know how I feel about them.

Q: As the days and weeks pass since the reading of this book, is there something that sticks with you about the story of Claudia, Pattie, Julia, Ann?

Their story has been on my mind long after I closed the cover in completion of the book. Two things that I keep thinking about:

1. How these 4 women formed an incredible bond of friendship based on ONE thing in common at first: the tragic loss of their husbands on 9/11. They didn't have kids in one playgroup, weren't college buddies, neighbors, church family. It was all because they shared the tragic deaths of their spouses. Yet, their friendships were rock solid and they became a tight group that could cling to each other like no other unit could. This gives me the desire to cement my own girlfriend relationships with depth, love, being there when the going is tough. Crying, laughing, mourning, celebrating, eating out, talking/not talking...it's all part of the bigger plan. Life is for the living. You have choices to make and the best choice is to acknowlege great loss, grieve in your own way for as long as it takes you and then try, with the supprt of others, to move forward and on to life again. It may be a different life, one still very much worth living.



2.How haunting it is not to get to say 'Good-bye.' Each woman replayed the morning they spent before their husbands left for work that fateful day. They probably replayed it daily for a long, long time. And wished for time to be stopped so they could have prevented their husband going out the door. Yet, time cannot be stopped and the day unfolded never to be taken back. How totally haunting for these women. How do you get over it and on with life?

Just yesterday, I found out my estranged brother had died. I never got to say 'Good-bye' and will never talk to him again. I am haunted with thoughts of reconcilliation, explanation, and could this have been prevented? Could I have gone back in time to erase some of the hurts?
Now, I will have to deal with the present from a painful past. I think of Julia, Ann, Claudia and Pattie with more empathy now. And realize we must passionately love our husbands, children, siblings, parents, friends and neighbors right here, right now as if we could finish our "business" with no regrets.

love you, mean it. [or, why i'm picking a sad book for this month.]

i [melissa] have selected "love you, mean it" as my pick for september. the book is written by patricia carrington, julia collins, claudia gerbasi and ann haynes - four women widowed after
september 11th who as a result formed a lasting bond.

having lived in new york for eight years, september 11th was a nightmarish experience for me and continues to be an extremely difficult day each year. reading this book in 2006 was like a balm for my soul. it gave me great perspective on my marriage, my relationships with family and friends, my life, my relationship with God. i've recommended it to everyone i know and it's an honor to recommend it to you all. i hope that you will appreciate it - as hard as it may be to read at times.

i decided to re-read the book with the anniversary of September 11th approaching next week, and hope you'll join me in grabbing a copy. these women have made me laugh and cry. they've inspired me to get over fears and hangups and appreciate little moments that would otherwise pass me by. i look forward to hearing your feedback on it!

How is Cal's experience living within two genders similar to the immigrant experience of living within two cultures? How is it different?

Cal is constantly torn in two. She has known for a long time that she is very different from other kids, but yet she holds it inside, keeping it a secret that she alone is left to bear.

As an immigrant, I am sure at times you feel lonely as well, and feel isolated from those around you. You strive so hard to hold on to your own culture without giving up your previous identity altogether.

Cal at the end has to choose to give up her identity just as an immigrant would do. However, Cal's change was abrupt and decisive while an immigrant probably has more opportunities to ease into the changes at their own pace.

For both an immigrant and for Cal, there is one leg in the door of one life and perhaps only a finger in the door for the other, and eventually your whole body needs to go through in order to be at peace with yourself.

I think either situation would be hard, but I feel especially for Cal as hers is a road that mostly has to be travelled alone. All of her friends and family had to be cast aside for a spell in order for her to find herself. Desdemona and Lefty at least have each other for the transition and they are able to collect more family along the way.

Actually, it seems as though Cal is the only family member who has to completely leave her family in order to discover her identity. The other members of her family seem to be unable to branch out, even when looking for their life partners in marriage.

MIDDLESEX: Book 4, Question 5: Why does Cal decide to live as a man rather than as a woman?

Before I attempt to answer this question, I would just like to state that I thought this was quite a challenging and provoking novel. To understand it fully, I should probably read the book several more times. This is not a genre I would normally choose on my own, but that is what a book club is about, isn't it? Thanks, Anne, for your choice this time, and for giving us an extra month to be consumed with this plot!

I was surprised, very surprised, when Callie read Dr. Luce's report of his findings and recommendations and he stated he knew the chromosomes XY indicated Callie was a male, yet he recommended the transition surgery to become a female. As Callie had gone along with so many experiences previously (the rape by her brother's friend, her mother's attempts to teach her to be a true girl with dress and role-following), I truly expected Callie to have the suggested surgery. My surprise came when Callie wrote the note to her parents, Tessie and Milton, that she was running away and staying a male. I was glad she was FINALLY being truthful with herself/himself.

Truthfulness was the HUGE issue in this novel: it started out from the very beginning with Desdemona and Lefty's deception of their marriage legality. When Callie was lying about her sexual preferences as a female, it almost got her "cut off" from the gender she was born with. Hence, she was following the family tradition of lying, not only to herself, but to the world at large. And she was only 14 at the time of this Dr. consultation, and one very confused person at that.

Why did Callie decide to become Cal? I think it is that the truth finally sunk in, and it was time to face it. The lies, the deception, the glossing over what is real and true is over. She/he needed to be true to herself/himself even though it would have lifetime ramifications and difficulties, especially when wanting a relationship with a life partner. I think the right decision was made.

question no. 14

Discuss the very ending of the novel, which concludes on the one-year anniversary of the Sterling High shooting. Why do you suppose the author chose to leave readers with an image of Patrick and Alex, who is pregnant? In what way does the final image of the book predict the future?

i confess, this was the aspect of nineteen minutes that i enjoyed least. i spent the majority of this book entirely caught up in the plot, literally catching myself with accelerated heart rate at certain points, unable to fall asleep or set the book aside until i'd at least finished the chapter i was on. there were a few parts i found to be a bit contrived, some of picoult's descriptive verbage somewhat prosaic. otherwise, though, the action of the story kept me moving forward with great anticipation.

and then came the ending, and for me, a bit of a letdown. the book is not a pretty story; it is not polite, or soft. it is a story of hurt and rejection, and for goodness' sake, people, a school shooting. and while there are repercussions for josie's actions, that alex and patrick are together and expecting a child just seems so entirely cheesy to me that i couldn't wrap my mind around it. nor could i disentangle myself from the drama of the final courtroom scene quickly enough for this perky, rapid-fire ending that didn't allow for much debriefing.

immediately upon completing this book, i was compelled to buy another picoult novel: my sister's keeper. i found that the plot was just as engaging, and i literally rescheduled my weekend to pore through it at a rapid pace until i finished it. and finish it, i did: in tears, which i haven't done in years. the ending was just as jarring, with little time for processing the dramatic twist that had just been spun on the story. it seems to me this must be a picoult trademark, then: that the dénouement be void of resolution, save for something such as a hopeful pregnancy, like a sloppy bow slapped on an otherwise-thought-provoking package.

what do you think, fellow bloggers and book club members? were you equally affected by the ending, or did you appreciate it? i'm curious.

# 6

Josie and Peter were friends until the sixth grade. Is it understandable that Josie decided not to hang out with Peter in favor of the popular crowd? Why or why not? How accurate and believable did you find the author’s depiction of high school peer pressure and the quest for popularity? Do you believe, as Picoult suggests, that even the popular kids are afraid that their own friends will turn on them?

Middle school and high school are cut-throat. They were when I was a kid, and I have to believe they are even more so now. Forget about classes, teachers, and tests...the friends you make and maintain are what actually matter the most throughout these years. For those souls that find themselves without friends it must be nearly impossible to survive day after day in those long halls.

Is it understandable that Josie chose popularity over Peter? Of course. In my opinion, Josie wasn't rejecting Peter, so much as she was choosing survival. Already in the 6th grade she understood that her school days would progress much easier if she chose those who had the upper hand rather than the lower. She knew that life would be difficult with a friend like Peter--that she would be teased, ridiculed, and mocked on a daily basis. And based on this knowledge, she chose to take the path that would seemingly lead to less pain. The path that led to friends, boyfriends, designer clothes, recognition, parties, and most importantly...approval. However, in the end, one might argue that she actually experienced even greater pain in her role as the popular girl. The popular girl with the abusive boyfriend. The popular girl who felt alienated from her mother. The popular girl who didn't know who she was.

From the stories I hear from my nieces and nephews, read in the news, and watch in movie depictions, Picoult's portrayal of high school life is right on target. I am amazed by the things I hear kids say and do these days. Movies like "Mean Girls," reports of hazing incidents, and interactions with students in the City within which I work, all reinforce the ideas of class and social standing that Picoult alludes to. For many, life is all about what you have and how you look, and status and ranking are based on your possessions and the manner in which you can display them. We've become so consumed with vanity and materialism, and it is beginning to define who we are.

It would seem that the popular kids would feel secure in their places, but most must live with the fear that the same people who they gossip with about others, may one day turn around and gossip about them. In the quest to stay at the top, these kids know that they're willing to do almost anything to retain their position. What could that possibly mean if they get in the way of someone else's climb, friend or not?

I find it interesting to talk about these "high-school" popularity issues, as I see them everyday in my job, my family, and even my church. How do we teach children to value people when this harmful environment is perpetuated in many areas of our lives? How do we break the cycle?